The Journey

I woke up one morning in 2003 (I think it was February 26th) and was a completely different person. When I opened my eyes after sleeping the night through - the world seemed different to me. I felt like I was seeing through a new set of eyes. It was weird!

You see, I had prayed for spiritual growth earlier on, and I had no idea what that truly meant until I woke up that morning and started to see the changes in myself. So many of my likes and dislikes changed overnight. What was okay with me the day before, was no longer right for me and I was fighting for my life to make the changes as quickly as possible.

My family had no idea what was happening to me or within me. I had no idea what was happening to me or within me! I was shell-shocked. I was traumatized. I wasn't myself at all...or let me say it better - I wasn't my "old self" any longer...I was a new Mandy.

Suddenly I was interested in totally different things - and people. I lost interest in most of my friends, I wanted to pursue psychic phenomena and change my career from a wonderful choir and orchestra director to a psychic. How did this happen?

I had a good marriage and suddenly I wanted a divorce! I was unhappy being with my husband overnight. We were now so different where before we had always been on the same page. I felt suffocated in the "old Mandy's" lifestyle and circumstances. I wanted to change almost everything...and fast! Couldn't make the changes fast enough...like I said - I felt suffocated.

I didn't know what was happening to me or with me...I only knew that I was suddenly very unhappy. Where the "old Mandy" wanted to coddle her children (then 12 and 9) the "new Mandy" wanted them to become more independent and mature. Where the "old Mandy" wanted to spend all her time with her husband, the "new Mandy" wanted to spend more time alone studying psychic phenomena and being with her friends.

"New Mandy" wanted to get seperated from her husband and moved out of the bedroom to sleep alone on the couch. "Old Mandy" didn't believe in God and scoffed at the idea! "New Mandy" was introduced to God personally during the worst of emotional pain, while standing in the bathroom ready to get into the shower. Contemplating the state of my life in pain, a gentle and loving voice asked me "why don't you pray?...". When I did I was met with a peace in my body and emotions that I had never known. I became a believer and never have gone a day without talking to God all day through. I learned about angels and archangels and started working with them daily. 

This was shocking to my family...not just my kids and husband but to my parents as well. I suddenly realized that I was gay. Out of the blue! My husband and I could no longer stay married...for many reasons beyond that fact. So in 2005 we separated and in 2006 we divorced. We shared the children and dogs and got along well. I think my husband was shell-shocked too. No one could believe we were separating and divorcing - we had been so happy together prior to Feb 26th. No one was probably more shocked than my husband. Or maybe me.

I suddenly decided that I wanted to change my name from my married name to a new name that I made up with the help of Rachel...the angel of inspiration. I officially and legally changed my name from Amanda Louise to just Mandy. I love my new name. It fits my new personality perfectly.

After being introduced to God that day in the bathroom, I suddenly became the most sincere spiritual person imaginable and prayed daily, studied spiritual growth and still wanted to become a psychic. I wanted to help people with their struggles through spiritual concepts I was learning...and I WAS learning...and FAST! The growth spurt was incredible. Suddenly I had a new outlook on life and didn't mesh with others' negativity at all. I was optimistic and hopeful...I trusted my intuition implicitly and everything started working better because of it.

Unfortunately, when I moved out of the house in 2005 during our separation, I became very. very ill with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (among other things) and I suddenly couldn't take care of myself any longer. My soon-to-be ex-husband insisted I come back to the house and took care of me and the kids and dogs for another year while I slept through day after day. Feeling more like myself in 2006 after the divorce I moved out again. It wasn't 6 months before the CFS came back and I had to move back into my ex-husband's house and he took care of the kids and dogs while I slept and tried to recuperate.

I never really did recuperate until 2017. I was exhausted all the time, couldn't do house work, couldn't take the dogs on walks, and what energy I did have...I spent writing my book "Golden Nuggets - Your Guide to Practical Spirituality" with Archangel Michael, created a Wisdom Deck of oracle cards with Archangel Michael, and studied spiritual growth  avidly. I was changing by the day.

Eventually, I became a totally different person. I could no longer identify with the "old Mandy's" life style choices. Suddenly I had boundaries like never before...and I assure you that people did not like that change in me at all. I got all sorts of guff from my ex-husband mostly and my Dad. They wanted the "old Mandy" back desperately. But she was gone. Gone, gone, gone. 

Where "old Mandy" was a music director very happily, "new Mandy" was home studying spiritual growth, having spiritual readings and practicing to be a psychic. While "old Mandy" was having fun with her friends all the time, "new Mandy" was spending most of her time at home, sleeping, studying and creating a new set of friends for herself that were more aligned with her spiritual growth.

Where "old Mandy" was very healthy and energetic, "new Mandy" was exhausted all the time and having trouble getting through each day. "Old Mandy" listened to her favorite bands, "new Mandy" listened to alternative talk radio to metaphysical speakers and talk show hosts. "Old Mandy" went to concerts with her friends, "new Mandy" went to spiritual conferences listening to lectures about spiritual and metaphysical matters. "New Mandy" couldn't tolerate being near people who had a bad attitude, and were negative in their outlook. "New Mandy" trusted God and Heaven and the Universe to take care of her and therefore felt great all the time...except for the exhaustion. 

When 2017 came to July, I sank into an exhaustion like I'd never known. I could not get out of bed and even eating was impossible. It was all I could do to get to the bathroom a few times a day. No showering, lost 16 pounds very quickly from lack of food, and was convinced I was dying. I thought my life was over. I started looking into Assisted Living Facilities to move into because there was just no way I could take care of myself...no way.

Doctors were baffled and could not help me at all...not even a smidgen. So I came to realize that the only person who was going to get me out of this mess was me. So I did a number of things all at once and started to feel better. It was excruciating but I made myself get out of bed and recline on my chair for several hours a day. This was the hardest thing I have ever done. 

I made myself go through workbooks like the Dialetical Therapy workbook and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy workbook...I poured through those workbooks doing every exercise mindfully until I had to go rest back on the recliner.

I set goals for myself that I insisted on fulfilling. Like I made a goal that despite my condition I was going to have the kids (now grown and in their twenties) over and make them dinner. We were going to eat as a family. Mind you - I was committing to a goal of doing this once! That's all I had in me. I made them a lovely but simple dinner, and then ate a smidgen myself and fell onto the couch immediately after and stayed there until they left - then went back to my recliner.

I set goals like going to the grocery store with my ex-husband just to have to get dressed and get out of the house. I did this maybe twice a week...it was excruciating and I shook with fear the whole time...but I made myself do this.

I set a goal of having one friend over for lunch and did so with such happiness that I was socializing for a few hours. I set a goal of having all of my new friends over for a pot luck...but that didn't come true until April of 2018. I just kept setting goals for myself until all of them were met and eventually I gained strength and stamina. Now in July 2018 I am still exhausted at certain times, but I am fighting my way through it - I am giving Intuitive Readings and making dinner every night, feeding my pets and still studying spiritual growth. I pray and meditate all day, I channel my Guides and Angels, I send out a Daily Divine email Message to my list of interested people and I blog on spiritual matters as often as I am inspired.

I am in an entirely different and better place than I was exactly one year ago. This has been a very tough year for me (July to July) but I feel free now to pursue my dreams - to become a Spiritual Leader through readings, speaking engagements, blogging, daily messages on email, giving Angel Parties (I have one later this month), and studying.

"New Mandy" is who I am now fully. When I look back I am amazed that I made it through that transition. It took years! But I love the person I have become and I love my life. At this time I have an apartment in the downstairs of my ex-husband's home and am helping take care of him - as he has cancer. Due to unforeseen circumstances, both my sons and my one son's wife now live with us - so we have a home filled with love and filled with people (and 4 pets!).

I think my family is still wrestling with the new "me" but everyone is really trying. I have friends who absolutely cannot handle it (the new "me") and don't even acknowledge anything I have accomplished since the change. It is very hurtful but I am allowing everyone to be who they are just as I insist that everyone accept who I am now.

This journey of the past 15 years has been interesting to write...to actually see it played out in order of events like this. Maybe it can help my friends and family see what I went through as well as seeing again what they have gone through. Rarely does change happen so fast and so emphatically. This has been my 15 year journey. Thank you for going through it with me.

Blessings, Mandy

 

 

 

Mandy ArwenComment